I watched the second English-language leaders’ debate tonight, and I have come to this conclusion: I hate them all. Honestly, not one of the men assembled on that stage possesses an ounce of charisma, intelligence, or passion, and not one of them deserves the job of Prime Minister. I am left feeling suddenly nostalgic for the politicians of my youth: Ed Broadbent, Pierre Trudeau, René Lévesque. They were assholes, to be sure, but at least you had the sense that they actually gave a shit about something other than scoring political advantage.
What’s a voter to do, except rant? Wait your turn, boys...
Jack Layton: Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!! Stop talking to me like a TV commercial! Stop looking directly into the camera and saying things like “You can make that change” at the end of every statement you make, and please fucking stop with the “more women in Parliament will make everything better” talking point, already! (See previous rant.) There are fourteen days left in the campaign, which is just about enough time for you to pull the handlers out of your ass and start talking to the voting public as though you’re not a mindless robot. Get moving!
Stephen Harper: You don’t want my vote and you’re not even trying, so kudos to you for that. Still, hear this: keep your crackdown on crime and your property rights and your tax cuts and your family values and your obsession with gay marriage and your defense of guns and your thinly veiled Christian conservative agenda the hell away from me!
Paul Martin: You dirty, rotten bastard. How dare you stand before the Canadian public and proclaim your commitment to post-secondary education when it was you as Finance Minister who gutted public education in this country and balanced your goddamn books on the backs of me and all of my friends. (See previous rant.) How kind of you to pledge to give every Canadian undergraduate student $3000 per year to help pay for their tuition, and how feeling of you to pronounce that “we can’t allow students to graduate with such a burden of debt.” Well, where was my $3000 a year, you prick, which, incidentally, would have cut my student loan debt load in half? Oh, yeah, you took it away, at exactly the same time that you were heaping tax breaks upon corporations like the one you yourself own! And hey, wasn’t it you who cut transfer payments to the provinces, which they, in turn, deducted from their education budgets? And wasn’t it also you who handed over responsibility for student financial assistance to Canada’s major banks with virtually no strings attached, banks which now turn a tidy profit from the educational aspirations of low-income students? Fuck you, Mr. Martin—I wouldn’t vote for you if you were the last politician on earth.
Gilles Duceppe: I’d vote for you. Really, I would. If I believed for a second that you were authentically committed to the social principles you espouse, that you’d protect minority rights in a sovereign Quebec, and that you weren’t a political opportunist at heart, I’d march into my polling station on January 23rd and vote for the Bloc. But I don’t trust you as far as I could spit, Monsieur Duceppe, so it ain’t gonna happen. Sorry.
That leaves the Green Party, the Marxist-Leninist Party, the Progressive Canadian Party, and four independent candidates, one of whom is a former squeegee punk. So far, it’s his election to lose.