Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas gifts your single friends will enjoy

1. A date, preferably with someone you yourself would go out with if you were single.

2. A massage—Pass the hat around and buy your friend physical contact with a complete stranger.

3. A blow job—See #2.

4. Hard liquor—Your friend can use it to seduce prospective sexual partners and to drown their sorrows when it doesn’t work out.

5. Cat toys, or, for the newly single, a cat.

6. Porn, or, for pretentious literary types, erotica.

7. A new vibrator from Come As You Are. (Vila’s recommendation: the Hitachi Wand.)

8. A tarot reading—Helpful hint: when the Hermit card comes up, and it will, tell your friend that it means “sexual union” in the Crowley deck.

9. A friend with benefits—The gift that keeps on giving, at least until someone better comes along.

10. All six volumes of In Search of Lost Time—Because solitude is the harbinger of erudition.


uberfrau said...

hell, I'd just be happy with a masasage and liquor.
EVerything else would be like a dream come true.

Vila H. said...

Proust it is, then!

xanthium said...

Forget Proust--I've been stuck in the first volume since August and I have a lot of time on my hands. Only the liquor for me, because I'm developing the spinster cringe.

Vila H. said...

Right--One bottle of tequila and a blowjob, coming up!

In the meantime, X, Merry Christmas, and best wishes for gainful employment in the New Year. (I've got my fingers crossed...)

xanthium said...

Aww, thanks. Merry Christmas to you too!

Caron said...

this is fucking brilliant. love reading your stuff, vila. -- your amiga in l.a., caron

Vila H. said...

Caron, there you are! How's post-grad life treating you? And what about that promise you made to blog again someday? C'mon, you know you want to... :-)

Caron said...

Post-grad life is fab; I just returned from some travels in South America. Working full time, however is highly overrated.

I do indeed dream of blogging again (perhaps a photo blog?), but I'll never expect to match your astounding insights, Vila, dear...

Vila H. said...

Excuses, excuses... ;-)