Why can’t I fucking sleep? I am tired beyond words, but here I lie, writhing and twitching like a hooked trout. A hooked trout that has to be up in four hours.
Caffeine, fuck your god, your goat, and your mother.
Okay, Vila, don’t panic, and do not under any circumstances look at the clock. You are resting, which they say is almost as good as sleeping. Rest, Vila. You remember how to rest, don’t you? Sure you do.
Okay, I’m resting. Actually, it does feel kind of nice. Ah, and here come the cats, who will lie down beside me and purr quietly. Come on, cats, lie down. I said, lie down. No, Ivan, please don’t attack my toes. Ivan, NO! Oh, for fuck’s sake...
Great, I’m not resting any more. I am, however, jonesing for a cigarette. Fine. I’ll get up and have a cigarette. And check my email.
Oh look, it’s an email from James, who isn’t sleeping either. Write back to him while you smoke your cigarette, and be sure to whine. Done. Send. Hey, maybe he’ll write back again? Hmm... (Drumming fingers.) He isn’t writing back. Fuck, you’re asleep, aren’t you, James? Bastard!
Fine. Finish your cigarette and go back to bed, Vila. Maybe it’ll work this time? I know, I’ll fantasize about the cute bartender at the Café. That way, when I drift off to sleep I’ll have fabulous sex dreams. Yes, that is exactly what I should do.
Okay, there he is. Damn, he’s cute. Okay, now get rid of his clothes and give him a couple of tattoos. Perfect. Now, will it be fucking or a leisurely blow job? Hmm. Fucking will tire you out faster... Right, fucking it is, then. Mmm. Okay, so this is where I start drifting off, right? Right?
Nope, still awake. Except now, I’m awake and horny. Shit. Okay, stay where you are, Vila—just reach under the covers and grab your vibrator, which is all plugged in and ready to go...
Um, no it’s not. You put it away when you cleaned the apartment, you dumb bitch. What the fuck did you do that for? Now, you have to get out of bed, turn on the light, walk across the room, open a drawer, retrieve the vibrator, find the extension cord, plug in the vibrator, turn out the light, and get back into bed, by which time you’ll be bolt awake and not even in the ballpark of horny anymore.
Okay, fine. Don’t think about the bartender. In fact, don’t think about anything at all. Just let yourself be tired. Ah. There. Hey, I think I’m resting again. Excellent. Oh yeah, just don't forget to respond to that email before you leave for work. (Blinks.) FUCK!! You thought about something! Stop it!
Ah shit, the sun’s coming up. Don’t look at the clock. I said, DO NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK...
(Sighs.) I told you not to look at the clock.