Saturday, August 27, 2005

Stress Sex (for Wilhelm Reich)

I have it on good authority that, as part of their training for missions in the world’s most troubled areas, United Nations employees receive formal warnings about the dangers of stress sex. Stress sex, in this case, refers to the compulsion to engage in sexual activity for the purpose of relieving high levels of chronic anxiety.

According to UN bureaucrats, stress sex is, apparently, a bad thing, and therefore best avoided.

Being reasonably well acquainted with the scourge of stress, I respectfully suggest that the UN reconsider its stance on the issue. In fact, I propose that the organization harness the therapeutic potential of stress sex and provide its high-risk workers with comprehensive stress sex services. These could be administered by a newly hired legion of interns, whose youth and naive optimism would make them ideal candidates for the job.

Providing that this pilot project is successful—and I have no doubt whatsoever that it would be—stress sex services could be offered in other, non-non-governmental sectors, including law, academia, and IT. Employers could do away with expensive and largely ineffective anti-anxiety measures such as gyms, yoga classes, and lunch-hour massages, and instead conscript recent English and philosophy graduates to tend to the brittle psyches of their staff.

Coincidentally, this would serve the dual purpose of employing vast numbers of otherwise redundant humanities scholars, whose suddenly increased income levels would catalyze an economic boom to rival that of the post-World War Two period. Being humanities scholars, they would clamour for their governments to increase the rate of taxation, with the result that the now-languishing sectors of health care and education would be instantly revived.

It must be acknowledged that the new stress sex economy would require an uncomfortable though brief period of restructuring. For example, the century-old professions of psychiatry and psychology would disappear overnight, and with them the over-inflated profit margins of the pharmaceutical industry.

Happily, these now-obsolete workers would benefit from government retraining programs and a generous public welfare system, which would see them through the transition period. Moreover, they could avail themselves of public stress sex services, which would be offered, free of charge, through a network of community-based clinics.

I understand that the psycho-social benefits of stress sex must first be proven, and to this end I hereby offer myself for preliminary studies on the subject. I do so purely in the interest of science, of course, and expect no financial compensation for my services. Researchers may submit proposals to the email address above.

2 comments:

dirty d said...

you know, you're entry would be really hot were it not for the fact that I am watching "my messy bedroom" on cable access(it's canadian!) and a woman is now masturbating with a baseball bat. fuck you josey v.

Nick said...

It is clear that any sensible country would have a fleet of chronically undersexed graduate students available for deployment at the first sight of a labour crisis. Perhaps they could get credits for their work.

I suspect that as the amount of sexual imagery in our society increases, as it has, that on the whole more people will have more sex, which they seem to be doing; the downside is that the people who have little or no sex feel a lot worse about it. Hello, grad students. Hello, brave new world.