Day four of the sickness, and I am going slowly mad. I have left my apartment exactly twice since Saturday. On average, I cough, sneeze, or blow my nose every six minutes. I have eaten entirely too much soup. And I would sell my cats for a decent TV show to watch.
If nothing else, the sickness has given me ample opportunity to catch up on my cable news, and I am horrified by what I have seen. Could someone please tell me why the following stories merit international coverage?
1. The Runaway Bride: A woman gets cold feet before her wedding. This is news how?
2. Cancer: Paula Zahn profiles the disease for a full hour, and conducts a hard-hitting interview with her mom for the finale. See above.
3. What Happens After We Die: A Larry King Live special feature, complete with priest, pastor, rabbi, and bestselling new age author. Next week: Deepak Chopra waxes poetic about the tooth fairy.
4. Adultery: CNN presents an hour of in-depth reporting on the subject. Adultery is a new phenomenon, apparently. I blame the media.
5. Michael Jackson: Isn’t there a war on? Two, even?
And, while I’m at it, who let these people on television?
1. Nancy Grace, AKA the Lawyer: The former Court TV reporter now gets a prime-time hour on CNN Headline News every single night. She cries, she gets angry, she looks soulfully into the camera and calls the viewing audience her “friends.” I want to gouge her fucking eyes out.
2. Anderson Cooper, AKA the Hipster: Okay, so I’m supposed to watch his show because he plays the Strokes when it goes to commercial. Which means it’s cool, right? ‘Cause that’s exactly what I want in my news coverage. Cool. Yeah.
3. Sanjay Gupta, AKA the Doctor: If you needed proof that pharmaceutical companies run the world, this guy is it.
4. Joe Scarborough, AKA the Patriot: Is this guy for real? Seriously, this is performance art, isn’t it?
Obviously, it’s time to start taping the BBC World News again. Alternatively, I could stop paying my cable bill. Hmm...