Walking home from Arit’s place tonight, at twenty-below and under a nearly full moon, I felt suddenly, inexplicably, happy. This has happened to me several times in recent weeks, and I can’t for the life of me understand why, but the little waves come and everything else falls away and there I am, grinning like an idiot as I make my way home.
I remember feeling this way when I was seventeen, as I walked along College Street on my way to Neil’s apartment. I remember the sound of the College streetcar as it went past, and the way the streetlights were, and how good it felt just to walk through the night by myself. I didn’t love Neil, but I loved the radius point he provided in a city I loved, then, above all.
When I spoke with my brother last week, he said that things were much better since he came into himself. Like the rest of our conversation, the meaning of this statement was logically imprecise, but it made sense at the level of feeling. Which is to say that I’m not at all sure what he meant by it, but I know what he means.
The next time he calls I will tell him that I’ve become my own radius point, and maybe he'll understand.