To: Mother Nature
Cc: Environment Canada, Dave Duvall, God
I am writing to inform you that I can no longer abide the cruel and unusual punishment you call winter. My reasons are as follows:
- I am tired of being constantly, unremittingly cold no matter where I go or what I do. (Exceptions – e.g. the Metro, my overheated office – duly noted.)
- I am tired of wearing layers of clothing that bunch up at my ankles, knees, and elbows, thereby constricting bloodflow to my extremities.
- I am tired of hathead.
- I am tired of skin that cracks and bleeds at the slightest suggestion of contact with other objects.
- I am tired of having to blow my nose every five minutes.
- I am tired of walking like a penguin.
- I am tired of the mixture of gravel and road salt that is steadily accruing in my front hallway.
- I am tired of getting static shocks from my cats. My cats are tired of this as well.
- I am afraid of my Hydro bill.
- I am tired of smoking with numb, red hands as I brace against the wind.
- I am tired of not having a fireplace to warm myself in front of.
- I am tired of gray slush.
- I am tired of not being able to wear skirts, dresses, tank tops, or other items of clothing that intimate that I have a body.
- I miss what air feels like against bare legs.
- I am tired of not riding my bicycle, which has been covered in a sheath of ice since mid-December.
- I am tired of sunlight being a fleeting substance.
- I am tired of wearing pyjamas to bed.
- I am tired of shovelling snow.
- I am tired of hibernating.
For these reasons, I feel that I have no choice but to register a formal grievance against you. You have five working days to respond.