Saturday, January 29, 2005

Open Letter

To: Mother Nature
Cc: Environment Canada, Dave Duvall, God

I am writing to inform you that I can no longer abide the cruel and unusual punishment you call winter. My reasons are as follows:

- I am tired of being constantly, unremittingly cold no matter where I go or what I do. (Exceptions – e.g. the Metro, my overheated office – duly noted.)

- I am tired of wearing layers of clothing that bunch up at my ankles, knees, and elbows, thereby constricting bloodflow to my extremities.

- I am tired of hathead.

- I am tired of skin that cracks and bleeds at the slightest suggestion of contact with other objects.

- I am tired of having to blow my nose every five minutes.

- I am tired of walking like a penguin.

- I am tired of the mixture of gravel and road salt that is steadily accruing in my front hallway.

- I am tired of getting static shocks from my cats. My cats are tired of this as well.

- I am afraid of my Hydro bill.

- I am tired of smoking with numb, red hands as I brace against the wind.

- I am tired of not having a fireplace to warm myself in front of.

- I am tired of gray slush.

- I am tired of not being able to wear skirts, dresses, tank tops, or other items of clothing that intimate that I have a body.

- I miss what air feels like against bare legs.

- I am tired of not riding my bicycle, which has been covered in a sheath of ice since mid-December.

- I am tired of sunlight being a fleeting substance.

- I am tired of wearing pyjamas to bed.

- I am tired of shovelling snow.

- I am tired of hibernating.

For these reasons, I feel that I have no choice but to register a formal grievance against you. You have five working days to respond.

Yours sincerely,
Vila H.

8 comments:

Mehdi said...

Well?

Why don't you move, then?

;-)

San Fracisco would be nice... although Port Au Prince sounds more affordable... You know, Canada comes with 6 months of winter, so, you're NOT supposed to be warm between november and march.

So, you know... get on with it, cause it's going to last AT LEAST for three months...

;-)

Anonymous said...
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cat said...

i am pretty sure there are at least 9 to 10 months of winter here. then two really unbearably hot months.

-- i am tired of being squished on the metro by tons of really sick people.

-- i am tired of being too warmly dressed in the metro. taking off the layers of clothes i have to wear in order to get from my home to the stupid metro and then put back on in order to get from the metro to work.

just thought i'd add on to your letter. :)

found you through next blog. hi there.

farouk said...

hi there,
I have another place for you if you need a change of weather. its a place where December to March is hot. And the rest of the months are extremly HOT.

:-)

Vila H. said...

Yes, Mehdi, but what kind of Canadian would I be if I didn't bitch and moan about the weather? ;-)

Vila H. said...

Cat -- I had forgotten about getting squished by sick people! I will certainly add this to the final draft.

Vila H. said...

Farouk -- Great, then I could rant about the constant, unremitting heat :-)

Anonymous said...

*chuckles heartily* would now be a bad time to mention that here in VicSnoria people were out jogging in shorts for most of february and I have ridden my scooter all "Winter"...

yet still I shall move back to winter hell one day soonish...
mAz