At the Green Room with James last night, I found myself thinking about the etiquette of washroom sex, or more precisely the general lack thereof. After drinking two beers in rapid succession I made my way to the women’s washroom at the back of the bar, which contains two toilet stalls, one of which was temporarily out of service. The other stall was of course occupied, so I leaned against the adjacent wall and waited. After several minutes, I looked under the door to verify that that the stall was, in fact, in use, and noticed one set of biggish black boots pointed in the usual direction and a second, smaller set of strappy silver sandals pointed toward the back wall. Why is it only when I have to piss like a demon that I find myself stuck in line behind horny couples or coke addicts?
Faced with a lengthy wait and that ridiculous moment when the couple finally emerges to make their flushed and awkward exit, I returned to our table and tried not to drink more beer. After a respectable amount of time had passed I headed back to the washroom, where two young Francophone women were now touching up their make-up. They had been present when the couple departed and bitched at some length about their insensitivity to others, as well as the condition in which they had left the facilities. My bladder cramping, I ventured into the functional toilet stall and saw a used condom and three perfect drops of menstrual blood on the floor, which required a near-acrobatic level of dexterity to avoid stepping in. After some careful arranging of wool skirt and tights – both hand-wash only – I managed to take a successful piss, thinking throughout that the worst job in the world is almost certainly that of the bar janitor. Can you ever really get paid enough to deal with the full spectrum of human bodily fluids on a nightly basis?
With this experience now behind me, I have formulated a simple code of etiquette for washroom sex, which I may lobby the city to have posted in all public drinking establishments. The rules are as follows:
1. Do not under any circumstances have washroom sex if there is only one functional toilet stall available.
2. Washroom sex should not exceed five minutes. Anything longer than a quickie is best reserved for the private sphere; tantric sex is expressly forbidden.
3. Do not piss, bleed, come, or female-ejaculate on the toilet seat. Other people have to sit on it when you’re done.
4. Carefully dispose of used condoms, latex gloves and/or dental dams in the feminine hygiene products receptacle that is located behind the toilet.
5. Do not moan, holler, or scream for mercy. It makes single people feel bad.
6. Women should not fake orgasms -- everyone waiting in line will know that you are and will have no choice but to comment.
7. Limit post-coital cuddling or smoking to a bare minimum, or take it outside.
8. Please don’t use up all the toilet paper.
Thank you—the Management.